A Sure Way to Find your Lifelong Partner
Love and happiness are ultimately the goal for most everyone. Many people see these two things as hand and hand, “If I could just find love, then I would be happy.” I believe in many ways these are tied together. Love of family, friends, and lovers is ultimately what makes the world go around and leads to happiness for many people. As Jordy Searcy says in his song, Love and War in Your Twenties, “The more I live I am convinced everyone just wants to be in love.” I think this is a true statement that many people agree with. Many people today are chasing short-term flings, and with divorce rates at record highs, for people to find true happiness and love they are only lying to themselves if they do not think that lasting love with the perfect person is not what they want. They may be chasing these short-term, no-strings-attached endeavors out of fear that they cannot find this person to share their life with, or afraid that their marriage will end in divorce. But these fears should not govern our journey toward happiness. We want this long-term happiness, but we ultimately come to the question of, what is the best way to find this lasting love? The best way to achieve lasting happiness and love is through a method I call the “Friend Box.”
The Friend Box is similar to what many psychologists say is the best way to approach dating and marriage, and that is being friends first. Professional dating consultant Steve Dean came to the conclusion after research and experience that, “Friendship is the primary driver of dating success (Dean, 2020).” But the friend box also has other aspects that make it unique. This theory suggests that whenever you meet a possible partner, instead of looking at that person as a possible romantic interest you should instead look at him/her as a friend thus putting them into The Friend Box. This has many benefits for both parties. This allows you to: not be as nervous because you are just being with a friend, to look at this person objectively to see if you actually have chemistry with him/her, to get to know this person well before anything romantic occurs between you, and to be honest with this person as you would with a friend instead of maybe putting on a front to elicit attraction. Dating expert and New York Times bestselling author, Mathew Hussey, puts it simply by saying, “The purity of an initial friendship allows you to see someone’s character before it’s blurred by sexual intentions and wanting to ‘get’ something physical out of it (Petter, 2019).” This helps people to remember their intentions and find the best person for them. But, not only does the Friend Box method allow for you not to be wrapped into a relationship that does not end well, it maximizes your ability to wholeheartedly love this person.
Using this tactic does not eliminate the feelings you have for someone it rightly orders them. When you pursue someone, feelings for that person will come and will grow stronger and with a deeper love because he/she is not only your best friend but are now also your girlfriend/boyfriend and possibly future spouse. When talking about worldwide known marriage counselor John Gottman’s views, Dr. William McKenna says, “Contrary to the modern view of marriage, love is not the end all-be all of a relationship. Sure, experiencing romantic love (i.e. feeling in love) is important in marriage, but the idea that romantic love is necessary for a couple’s success simply is not true. In fact, marital research is quite clear that the foundation of marriage is a profound friendship between the spouses (McKenna, 2017).” Being best friends is first and foremost in a successful marriage, and love that stems from friendship is a multifaceted love that can best be attained using the Friend Box.
One of the biggest problems in today’s dating world is having strong feelings for someone based on initial attraction. A stereotypical relationship that does not begin with people being friends first may go something like this. For example, let's use a girl named Taylor. Taylor meets someone at a bar, and she asks for his number because Taylor thinks he is hot. She waits a few days and then asks him to hang out. She thinks he is hot, and he seems to be fun to be around, so she continues to see him. Taylor “catches feelings” for him, e.g., become enamored by them and think that everything they do is loveable and amazing. This leads to a relationship that may go on for months or even years. Does this sound, about right? At no point in this relationship did Taylor stop to objectively look at this relationship to see if this is who she wanted to be with for the remainder of her life. Taylor may think she did, and she may think they have many personalities that she loves about this person, and there very well may be, but that is left up to luck. That is left up to luck because the things that she thinks she loves about this person may be shrouded by the feelings that she has for this person, rather than knowing that she has chemistry with this person because while they were friends they had chemistry even before those feelings were present. But what happens when those short term “feelings” go away?
This person is stuck with someone that is physically attractive but lacks many of the traits that he/she may want in a spouse. As stated before, this person could get lucky and actually have amazing chemistry with this individual, but do you want to rely on luck? An example of an expert who buys into this dating culture is Northwestern University graduate, Jen Kim who says, “When I meet someone, I can size him up in about 30 seconds and decide whether or not we will ever see each other naked (Kim, 2010).” She makes her judgement on who she wants to be within the first 30 seconds of meeting someone. Do you think this is a successful way to judge someone’s character? She may find many “hot” guys, but she will most likely not find someone who will be a worthy lifelong companion. Instead, she could utilize the Friend Box and become friends with this man first and actually be able to judge his character, rather than allowing the first 30 seconds to come to a conclusion. I have stated many important factors that lead into finding a lifelong partner, but now I’d like to address what it means to be a good friend, which is the precursor to a lifelong relationship.
Becoming a good friend and finding someone who is a good friend is an important process for finding one’s lifelong partner. “We should be giving our relationship partners the same kind of support we give our friends (LaFata, 2015).” If one cannot be a good friend, he/she will be hard-pressed to have a successful marriage, e.g., a lifelong friendship. Being a good friend has many important parts, and it is important that they are all a priority in every friendship. I would say two of the most important aspects of a friendship are selflessness and chemistry.
It is important to be selfless in a friendship. A good friend consoles and is present when needed the most, even when he/she may not want to be there. If a friend is not kind and selfless to his friends, he may not be a very good friend. But for a quality friendship, selflessness cannot be the only factor that makes up a good friendship, there must also be chemistry. Chemistry in a friendship consists of enjoying being around that person. If you are good friends you have similar humors, you enjoy the same things, you can completely be yourself, and you have lots of fun together. With these two important qualities, one can be a wonderful friend.
Taking a step back from friendship and looking at a relationship, it is important to ask yourself, do you want your partner to have these spectacular traits? This is exactly what people want from their companion. Monica Marshall, who is newly married says, “My husband is my partner in fun, personal goals, creative projects, lazy days, difficult days, and spiritual growth. What matters to him matters to me because he is my best friend (Marshall, 2016).” These are the qualities that you want from a friend, so why would you not be looking for them when looking for a spouse? The best way to find these traits in someone is by utilizing the Friend Box, and remembering that your goal is to live a joyful life with the wonderful person whom you are completely comfortable with, laugh the most with, and will always have your back no matter the circumstances.
Citations
Dean, S. (2020, August 3). The Friendship-First Approach to Dating. Medium. https://medium.com/dateworking/the-friendship-first-approach-to-dating-5e810e09adc7.
Kim, J. (2010). Why “Friends First” Doesn’t Work. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/valley-girl-brain/201004/why-friends-first-doesnt-work.
LaFata, A. (2015, April 16). If You’re Friends First, Then You’re More Likely To Have A Successful Relationship. Elite Daily. https://www.elitedaily.com/life/friends-before-relationship/998876.
Marshall, M. G. (2016, September 28). Should We Really Marry Our Best Friend? Yes, and Here’s Why. Verily. https://verilymag.com/2016/09/marrying-your-best-friend-male-female-frien.
McKenna, W. (2017, July 14). In Marriage, Friendship Triumphs Over Love. Mind & Spirit. http://mindspirit.com/marriage-friendship-triumphs-love/.
Petter, O. (2019, June 26). Why dating the last person you ever thought of could be the secret to true love. The Independent. https://www.independent.co.uk/life-style/love-sex/dating-friend-true-love-secret-tips-relationships-a7863251.html.